What is it?

This power, this magic,

The finality is tragic.

When did this occur?

The hour, the second,

The day, the lesson?

How was I to know?

What was real, what would grow,

What was sacred, what time would show?

Where was I?

In my own imagination,

Running from temptation?

Who am I?

Confused, bummed

Feeling lonely, feeling dumb.

The reporter’s seem to think

These questions create succinct

Facts among the lies

And open viewer’s eyes.

Well, I think after years

Of asking these through tears,

The truth is too far gone,

And only memories still live on…

Something like, “she’s crazy”

Something like, “she’s beautiful”

He lied to himself about her

Words and symbols

No direction, no intention

I was her one day long ago

I am her still I guess

The pain tried to erase it

Nobody told her…I mean me

Nobody told me about love

Just that I should wait to find it

They told her…I mean me

They told me I would know

I would know love when I saw it

But he lied to me about her

He thought she was different

Wait…no, that wasn’t a lie

He lied to himself about her

He says he doesn’t love her

He says he never did

He lied a lot about her

I mean…me

He lied a lot about…me

(I say “today” as if this day is any different).

Today is different, I suppose.

Today I am older,

The weather is warmer,

But not as warm as it has been.

Today the reality is a little clearer.

Today the memory is foggier.

I realized the face held no hate.

No, it held something I’ve yet to name.

I try to name it today

(I say “today” as if this day is any different).

Today is different, I know.

What the expression held,

Well, it matters less and less, I guess.

Except today,

Because, yes, this day is different.

Today that face and that expression,

They mean the difference between today and tomorrow,

Between love, hate, and indifference.

Between the fate of me

And, maybe…

Always…

Between the fate of us.

Right now I am lingering between ties and bonds with people I once thought would be with me forever. I was once so afraid that there was something wrong with me because I would constantly grow out of my friends and move on. I watched movies about life long friends and asked myself “why can’t I have that?”. Then I began to question what was true for me and started pushing aside my feelings just to try and sustain this new group of friends that I wanted so badly to be the ones I could stand next to at 50 years old and say “we’ve been friends since high school and we’re still going strong”. But something happens when you start moving toward adulthood and self realization at warped speed. As you move faster, the others around you seem to move slower. And the slower they move, the more apparent their faults, and insecurities, and immaturity, and hang-ups become. Then you begin to question yourself, wondering if your life has just taken a terrible turn. You look at the wonderful things that may have happened and feel guilty for the fact that others cannot be happy for you. Like it is your responsibility to make them happy. And then, at that moment, an uninvested party says, “you are not responsible for them, you have a right to be happy, and if they are not happy for you they must not be very good friends”. Suddenly a bond becomes a tie. A restricting, obligatory tie.

The ties begin to grow and strengthen, all along weakening the bonds. And then begins the process of undoing the workings of letting that person/those people into your outer circle, then inner circle, then making them part of your family. It all begins to go backwards, but it is so hard to do, that most people just cut the others out of their lives for good.

Therein lies the conflict ahead of me. How does one take a bond that has become a tie and start from the beginning? I am moving so fast that I cannot even see clearly anymore. So how do I know? How do I know what is a tie and what is a bond? How do I know who is in my life for all time…or just for a season?

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”

To the members of the hearts with footprints club, you have been such a lovely audience.

“Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again! Yeah here it goes again!” Thank you OK Go! Well folks, this is my first bloggity blog. Yes, I will say that a lot, so get used to it! Today marks the third day into my 19th year of life. Whoa! Honestly it feels no different than 18. I can say though that I am so glad that I did not turn 20 this year. I am already having a “quarter-life crisis” as Johnny M. put it so well and I’m not sure if I could handle one more big milestone this time around. But one thing I can handle is getting in touch with myself and with you guys out there in cyberspace. Welcome. Welcome to my inner circle whether friend or foe, because this year…is about me. Finally.

“These are the days you might fill with laughter until you break.
These days you might feel a shaft of light make its way across your face.
And when you do you’ll know how it was meant to be.
See the signs and know their meaning.
Its true, you’ll know how it was meant to be.
Hear the signs and know they’re speaking to you, to you.”
~10,000 Maniacs~

You will notice that my posts are rampant with song lyrics. It’s how I talk. The beginning little diddy was part of one of mine that I wrote when I was a heartbroken high school kid probably around the age of 14 or 15 thinking heartache meant something else. Thinking it meant finality and broken possibilities, never once considering the “bigger plan” mentality or any of that good stuff. But now I am realizing that this heartbreak is holding me back. I should be sprightly with young energy and young possibilities, but instead I am old in spirit and in mind fighting every day to be in my truth as a human being. Not as rebellion against authority and society, but embracing the depths of my spirit, body, and mind until I find harmony here on this earth to accomplish what I came to accomplish. Hopefully reading this blog will help some of you as I walk my path with a detailed account of the steps. Today it is overcoming the remnants of heartbreak. Today I feel my pain and maybe tomorrow or next week, whenever you hear from me next, the tide will have turned, even if just for a while.

To the members of the lonely hearts club, you have been such a lovely audience.